It sounds so old. 31
. I don't feel old, in my mind I am still twenty- something, or at least not grownup.
That is my mother. My mom, now she is a grown up.
Some days I don't feel like I am a grown-up.
It feels surreal. Like playing house when I was little.
Except I am 31, married & have 4 kids who look up to me for all their needs.
I sound crazy, don't I?
Oh well, that is how it is some days.
A while ago it was one of those days. My hubby & I had a plan that I need to show up on the desert at 5 p.m. to help sort sheep before loading the following morning.
No problem, I told him, I can do that.
A couple hours later I get a text with a picture of a rattlesnake eating a mouse. For those, as myself, who don't care for snakes, I chose not to share the picture with you.
The message in the text: Look at this picture the herder took, while tending his sheep today.
Now fast forward, its close to 5 p.m. I have 4 kids, in Walmart, picking up a few things.
4 kids in Walmart, should have said enough.
I get another text from the Hubby: "Hey love, things are going a little slower, I need you to head out to the desert, find the sheep & start herding them back to the corrals with the boys. I will get there as soon as I can."
I breathe, trying to remember that I am the grownup. I don't feel like a grownup today.
In my mind I am silently whimpering. I don't want to do that. I can't do that. "Okay, but try to hurry." I reply.
So with my 4 kids, we load up, drive to the desert & began to look for sheep. We find a few.
So we hop out of the pickup truck, when I remember the text my hubby sent earlier about the rattlesnake. I grabbed a few things, so I can feel protected in case we do see a snake. Pretend, that I am tougher than I am, even though inside I am quite nervous about our little expedition without my strong handsome knight at my side. And we start herding sheep.
We gather them, when looking at them, I know we don't have them all. So we keep looking for sheep. We find some more a little further away, we herd those with the others, we still don't have them all. So we repeat.
Finally I realize it going to start getting dark & we have to herd them all the way back to the corrals. My boys complain a little. I try to express more courage & calmness then I am currently feeling inside. The whole time terrible worried we are going to see a rattlesnake. Then trying to keep calm & reassure my kids, its no big deal if we do, but I am sure we won't. And we begin to herd. After all, I am a grownup right?
Each arrow, is pointing to one of my boys out herding sheep.
I would drive a bit, hop out & help move the sheep, run back to my pickup & drive again.
And then I would repeat that, over & over again. Finally, I can see corrals over in the distance. In my mind, it would be shorter if we cut across the desert, instead of going down & around.
My kids, ready to be done, agree to our plan. My hubby said, I could drive across the sagebrush. No big deal right. I had my reservations, but the hubby said to do it & I was a grownup. So I did.
It worked pretty good at 1st, but the sagebrush kept getting bigger & bigger, and I am fairly new at driving across the desert.
Did I mention, I drive an old manual pickup with a crew cab & an extended bed. It is a huge beast. Huge.
Pretty soon, I am in some tight spots, for my long boat of a pickup. No big deal, just keep driving. It just keeps getting worse. I can't see my boys, or the sheep & am almost high centered on a some sagebrush & rock.
(I borrowed this awesome pictures is from Here)
Though this isn't how I looked, it was certainly how I felt. So I climbed out of the pickup & did was any grownup would do in this situation. I threw a fit. I screamed, yelled & even waved my hands in the air.
I am almost high centered in an old beast of a pickup with my 4 kids the oldest being 8 & the youngest 1 year old. Chasing after sheep, on a desert, while some are still missing: I can't find them, because I have no idea on where to look on these thousands of acres. I am all alone, with snakes slithering around, with kids who are tired & hungry because it is almost dark, & we still have a ways to go. And to top it all off I have no idea where my hubby is yet or how long until he comes to rescue me & he doesn't have cell phone coverage.
Then in the midst of my fit, one of my sons yells Mom. And then I remember that I am the grownup. No matter how much I like it or not, it is me tonight. In charge of this situation & it is I, the grownup, who is in charge of getting us out of it.
So I regain my presence, say a quick pleading prayer, & we continue. Eventually, we got unstuck, back on a road, & the sheep herded to the corrals. (At least the ones we could find).
My hubby showed up just before dark, reconfirmed my fears that we were still missing some sheep & we loaded in with him. Immediately I felt relief, my knight in shining armor had finally rescued me & for now he could be the grownup.
We eventually found them & by 11:30 had everything in the corrals.
Yes, some days I feel amazing. Others, not so much.
Sometimes my life feels surreal, other days I want to curl up in a ball & call quits.
But I can't, & I don't, because like it or not: I am the grownup.
Whether I feel like it or not.
I just hope I am a good enough one.